people always say, life is full of choices no one ever mentions fear

 It's one of those nights. You know what I'm talking about don't you? We all have them. Even the best of us have those nights that just don't sit well. I've done all the right things. Tonight I lit a dozen candles, and locked the bathroom door, I soaked in a tub full of steamy water and bathsalts, with lowplaying acoustic music and a mug of hot cocoa. 

Twenty minutes ago, as I slipped on my nightshirt (red silk) and towel dried my hair, every muscle in my body felt relaxed and calm. 

However. 

  Tonight, 

In a way that I haven't been in ages, I'm lonely. 

Tonight, I'm trying my best to hold myself together, because the weight of the world is weighing down on who I am and it's not too easy to get out from under it. Tonight is one of those nights I want to throw a tantrum, yell, throw things at the walls, hold my breath and stomp my feet until the world gives in to me like bad parents to horribly behaving children, and give me what I want. 

I feel like all I want is so simple, and yet I am simultaneously the most selfish person in the world. There is so LITTLE I want out of the world, but what I'm craving, seems to be the most difficult simplicity to come by. 

I don't always feel this way. I don't always stare at the ceiling and cry, but tonight is one of those nights that I'm going to. 

Tonight, I feel alone in a gigantic world that I ran away to. I'm in a town that isn't mine, that I'm dying to find a way into, In a giant feeling empty bed, with nothing but a box of my old journals to sort through and make myself crazy over. 

It's sunday. I've never liked sundays. There's probably a connection between day of rest / gods day / and the day that makes Brittany want to scream as loud as she can just to cut through the silence of sunday nights, but I'm too exhausted to search for the witty response to why god's day makes me want to kill myself. 

I'm being dramatic. 

But it's one of those nights. 

It's one of those nights that I cannot breathe.