Thursday, December 16, 2010

Searching for your hand at sunset, I hear you whispering in the wind.

This last month of my life has been about a lot of growth and change. In so many ways, I can already look at the person I was thirty days ago, and seen leaps and bounds of change. I can see who I am in the future so close I can almost touch her. I'm not a child anymore. I have my own place, I pay rent, and my own bills. I have a full time job, where I work 40 hours a week and I come home exhausted. I can drive a car, I am not a virgin, I don't have a curfew, and when I've had a long day , I have a drink to relax. I can vote, I have an exhausted and a cautious heart, and after I finish this blog, I'm probably going to go smoke a cigarette. I'm responsible for me in every way possible.

There are still so many things I see in myself though, that aren't all the way there yet. I have a sense of idealism that most adults seem to have shaken. I believe in things more than most "adults" I know. My refusal to fall into cynicisms as much as the "adults" around me, makes me question if I've grown up wiser, or if I haven't grown up at all. I still will eat my curly fries as fast as I can, like a child who's afraid they'll have to share. I still hate waking up, and I still put projects up the way I did in highschool with homework. I am just as inclined, at work, as I was in class, to fake sick. These things may be parts of me who haven't grown up, or they may just be who I am, and part of me hopes it's the latter . I'd like to hang on to my idealism as long as possible. I'd like to tell my heart to start beating again the way it did before it was broken, because there is a girl inside of me who KNOWS it won't stay that way. I know as much as I know my own name, that I won't end up alone, that I'm going to land right where I was supposed to, wherever that may be. Childish? Perhaps. But I hope that childishness in particular, is something I don't outgrow.

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