Thursday, December 23, 2010

"Isabelle what can I do? The last thing I need is to end up askew"

When I up and left for San Diego, I had no idea where I was going. Half thrown out of my parent's house, and half running away to never look back, I landed on my aunt's couch without any idea where I was going. Terrified. Angry. Blaming my parents for every mistake they've ever made to screw up my life. Trying as hard as I could not to let anyone see why I wasn't okay. Trying to not let myself see that I wasn't okay. Nursing a feeling of mistrust and a lack of faith in people in general that my last year has given me, and wishing I could just turn off the way I did in September. climb in bed for a few weeks, and wait untl the storm blew over. My first morning here, my beautiful aunt took me out and told me, pointblank, that If I wanted to stay I could, but it wasn't going to be easy. Those first weeks in San Diego, were grueling. I went to be freezing every night -- only to get up and down a million times, to pace the unfamiliar house, watch the television, and ache for the comforts of a home long gone. I didn't just grieve my home, I grieved the family I thought I had. I grieved the way it used to be, at least the better version of who we were. I graved coming home from a long night at school to a note on the counter and some food in the fridge. I grieved when my father was simply a hardworking jerk who cared about his family and did everything he could to provide. I grieved the sanity of my mother. I grieved the friendships I spent years cultivating. I grieved my relationship, all over again, because I was in a new place -- and if my old bed had felt lonely, my new one, the strange one I couldn't ever place a memory of having been held in, seemed as vast as any dark forboding body of water. I grieved my friendships with friends who I hadn't realized I cared about. It's easy to see the goodthings about people you wrote off, when you're a million years away from who you were, and all alone. I felt as though there wasn't a single person in the world who wasn't going to look at me and say "there she is, Hester with the scarlet letter" or something less dramatic but equally implicating me as a whore. I was tired. and Cold. I was afraid and anxious. I was realizing for the first time how on my own I truly am. I felt pressured, I felt scared. I felt like my wonderful aunt who so kindly saved me from destitution, was riding me as hard as possible, and I couldn't do anything right. Be awake by six thirty. No wearing pajamas after seven. No idle time. etc. These are all things I'm going to say, are great. But I wanted them to be decisions for myself. I knew she was helping me, I was just terrified of the level of maturity she had set for me to reach. The bar was too high. I missed highschool. Gradually though, things shifted. I found myself waking up on my own, earlier and earlier in the morning. I grew to enjoy the habits my benefactor was trying to help me develop. I began writing down my goals, making to do lists, looking for work, and exploring the new world around me. By the time Haylan came to visit, I was ready to break out of the glass case I'd set up around myself in the middle of september. I found a reason, to get out of bed in the mornings, without forcing myself, without contemplating utter defeat, without wishing I could stay in my sweatpants all day. In a swift 24 hours, Haylan saw the things that I see. And I had a partner in crime. The whirlwind that was our decision to move into a converted garage studio behind the house, and find jobs, happened in a matter of 48 hours. There we were. In business. Here I am now, a different person. I wouldn't describe myself anymore as the girl who lost her way. I am a woman, who can take care of herself. I am a woman who goes to work and balances a budget and cleans her apartment and cooks meals. I go to work with AMAZING people, and I have friends who say things like "What are we doing after work tonight ? " I get excited to get ready for work, and I get excited to come home, to MY home, that belongs to ME. To decompress, to lounge, to think. I found things I want out of life that I didn't even realize I want, and I found things that I didn't know if they even existed. I've always said I want to get up and love going to work, no matter how menial my job is. I LOVE going to work. I love talking to people, and raising awareness about a cause I really truly agree with. I love san diego. The coffee shops. The stores that are open 24 hours. The jackinthebox behind my house that I've already frequented WAY too much. I love having dinner a couple nights a week with my roommate and my aunt. I love having a glass of wine when it's late and we're eating dinner under the stars . Hell. I just love having a glass of wine. I have my days, believe me, it's not all rainbows and butterflies. There are nights when Haylan is with mike, or I turn down what may have been a date, or a certain song plays on the radio, that I know I'm having a bad night. But I get through these, I push past loneliness and fear and anything else that tries to creep in and make me crazy, by pushing forward. By continuing to build a life for myself that I can share when I'm not so lonely. I'm ten times the person I was six months ago, and I know I can only grow exponentially more. I guess this is all really written for me today, to tell myself that I'm okay. That I've gotten out of the town I hated, and created a life for myself. This is a reminder to myself that everything else I want that seems as far fetched as that dream I had to run away and start over as a starving artist, is just as attainable as this was. I'm going to keep focusing on getting the things I want out of my life, that are in my control to achieve. I'm kind of a big deal.

current jam / guilty pleasure : This Album. This Song.

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